I was on a walk today and got contemplative:
“God, am I doing what I should be right now? What more or what different should I be doing? Convict me, God!”
“Why all the ‘convicting’? You’re ‘convicting’ yourself all the time! Just let me love you.”
Those are words I could imagine Rebekah or I saying to each other. When I feel them coming from the God of the universe, when I picture / feel / embrace that kind of love poured on me from deity, it’s emotional.
God’s right on this one. I give such an incredible amount of my emotional energy to “serving God” & “getting it right”, even while mentally acknowledging the role of God as my passionate lover (see: the Bible), even while acknowledging that my rightness or my good works aren’t the be-all-end all.
My love is what saves the universe.
My love makes you precious, valuable, safe.
So let me love you awhile.
I feel like such a fraud Christian some/most of the time. I have a wimpy view of the Bible and exclusive/absolute truth. Wimpy, or perhaps “nuanced”, but either way, I’m generally a self-contradicting pile of orthodoxy, heresy, and error all lumped together. That’s how I mostly feel, except when I go all self-righteous for a spell before “crashing” back to paltriness. It seems like the way I “compensate” is by subconsciously thinking, “well, I’ll at least get the Neighbor-Love stuff down pretty good,” and becoming a guilt-and-ambition-powered workaholic.
But guess what — I am loved.
And disclaimer: I’m not claiming that I absolutely heard those words from God. I’m just strongly not ruling it out, and in the interest of being alive — of living the life I have to live — of living the only experience I have to experience — I’m embracing it. It’s something God “would” say to me… i.e. something I already believe firmly in — we are loved by God and this love defines us more truly than anything else — so to embrace what I “heard” this morning as truth from God makes sense even without “knowing” it was really God’s spirit’s voice.
In other words,
Just let me love you awhile.