Schools Close after Minnesota Native Admits, “It is REALLY DANG COLD”

CHASKA, MN — The majority of school districts in the Twin Cities closed this Thursday, citing wind chills of more than 30 below zero. But there may have been another reason that tipped superintendents over the edge.

This morning, Daniel Schulz-Jackson, Chaska resident and Minnesota native, was quoted as saying, “It is REALLY DANG COLD.” In a text message to his wife, he noted that his five-minute walking commute was so cold that “my eyes hurt, even though they were tightly flanked by balaclava.” He then went on to advise her to don one or even two balaclavas herself before leaving the house for her own commute.

Daniel really cold
The text message in question, sent the morning of Thursday, Jan. 23rd.

Mr. Schulz-Jackson’s family was in shock. “I can’t believe he said that,” said his wife, shaking her head. “I mean, most days when we walk to work and I mention the cold, Daniel just says he likes being able to feel the world on his face. Last night he even gleefully kicked snow all the way home. This must be some wind chill!”

Interviews with friends and family indicate that this is, indeed, a momentous occasion. A relative (who would prefer to remain anonymous) said she has frequently heard Daniel reciting his weather motto: “There is no bad weather; only bad clothing.”

One local school official mentioned that as soon as she heard about Mr. Schulz-Jackson’s proclamation, she knew that no school child could withstand the cold. “That was that,” she said.

Editor’s note: A previous version of this article stated that Mr. Schulz-Jackson had admitted it was cold during the Halloween blizzard of 1991. This is not correct. In his notice of correction, Mr. Schulz-Jackson commented, “It probably wasn’t even cold then — just snowy!” We regret the error.

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